Alchohology

A colleague forwarded this to me. I reckon, either it was written by a beer drinkin’ female journalist who hates Irish men, or, the fifty bartenders interviewed for this survey were bias barmaids… read on!

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

If Women Drink…

1. Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

2. Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

3. Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g. Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

4. Water
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don't.

5. Wine - (bottled, not 4-litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

6. Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.

7. Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice; bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

8. Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub; Nothing to do but wait…

If Men Drink…

1. Cider
He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

2. Cheap Domestic Beer
He's poor / a student and wants to get laid.

3. Castle Lager Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

4. Imported Beer
He's old; likes good beer and wants to get laid.

5. Guinness
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

6. Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.

7. Wine
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

8. Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

9. Port
Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

10. Whisky
He doesn't give two fucks about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

11. Jack Daniels
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

12. Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

13. Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc.
He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

Someone asked about a girl who drinks champagne and he got:

“High Maintenance Upper-class Socialite”…

or so I thought.